Guest Blog by Ayana Fennell
Welcome to ‘Singles Anonymous’:
‘For single women who are over the bullshit.’
Not sure if you wandered here by mistake? No worries. Just answer these 3 simple questions to get started:
1) Are your dms a hopeless graveyard of eye emojis “👀” and dead-end convos?
2) Is your love life drier than a Popeye’s biscuit — mid swallow?
3) Craving some “get right”, but can’t find a dude who acts right?
If you answered ‘Yes’ to one or all of the above…
Congratulations! You’re SINGLE.
But don’t fret. You’re in great company.
Whether you’re fresh out of a breakup, fasting from fornication, or on an existential quest for your soulmate (same, sis), being single at some point in life is inevitable.
In fact, it’s pretty liberating.
But you know what’s worse than being bombarded with questions about your relationship status at every family gathering? Trying to explain to your happily taken friends and random “pick me” warriors that you’re NOT a charity case — and you’re actually happy
That’s where I enter.
After years of being the perpetually single friend in the group, I’ve compiled a list of 5 things that I am absolutely SICK of hearing from everyone.
So let’s get started with my personal favorite…
1. “You’re so intimidating.” / “You’re just unapproachable.”
If you’ve heard this line at least once in your life: Rest assured—you’re not the problem. I remember being younger and getting soo upset when someone said this to me. Seriously, what the hell does this even mean?
I actually had a guy friend tell me once that if a man doesn’t feel like you need him — he’ll leave. That’s the most BACKWARDS comment I’ve ever heard. How can a man claim to want an independent woman, then cower once he discovers that she’s actually good without him? Huge disconnect. Listen, if a man feels threatened that you have your shit together, it’s a blatant sign that he doesn’t. Building with someone without a solid foundation of their own is like building a house made of straw — the first sign of a storm and he’s gone with the wind.
If all a man can bring to the table is an empty plate: he’s a D-U-B.
We don’t do fragile masculinity ‘round here. So the next time you hear a guy say this, tell him to boss up or step aside.
2. “Your standards are waaayy too high.”
You’re right. You got me. I mean how DARE I expect a man to meet standard requirements such as respect for women, reading comprehension skills, and basic human decency. Who do I think I am? Honestly? Truly?!
I’ve always found this comment laughable. When a man says this in an effort to “humble” you, this is what he really means: “I’m attracted to you, but I’m not willing to give you all that you deserve (because that requires ACTUAL EFFORT). So instead of checking MY own inferiority complex at the door, I’d much rather make YOU feel inadequate — blah…blah…blah.”
Listen here: I’m not apologizing for the parts of myself that make you uncomfortable. That’s not how SELF-esteem works.
Yes — My standards are high, because they ought to be.
I expect the same things out of my partner (honesty, integrity, drive, reciprocity, accountability, etc.) that I also expect from myself. And I’m not obligated to settle for “good enough” just because what I want hasn’t found me yet. You thinking I’m cute simply means you have good taste — it doesn’t mean that I owe you my time or attention.
So keep your standards high & your head even higher. You’re doing amazing, sweetie.
3. “You’re too (insert random compliment) to be single!”
WOW, thanks! So tell me, where in this statement am I supposed to feel good about myself? I guess right before that friendly reminder that I ain’t got a man!
Be aware that intention & interpretation are hardly the same thing. Just because you intend to be “encouraging” doesn’t mean that you don’t come off as condescending.
Let’s use an example:
Friend/ Associate/ Church member: “Ayana, you’re too *pretty* to be single!”
What I hear: “Damn, Ayana! You STILL don’t have a man? Girl, what you waiting on? A SIGN??”
My advice? Try any of the following instead:
A. Ask me how my day went.
B. Smile & wave.
C. Silence. (*99% success rate)
4. “It’ll come when you stop looking.”
Alright. WE GET IT. You can’t “look” for love. But have you ever considered that maybe — we’re NOT looking?
Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I wanna be “saved.”
Sure, we all romanticize the idea of love, but by NO means does that give you the right to assume that we’re miserable. Much less in need of a savior.
Being single is circumstantial, not a punishment.
People in a relationship are no more desirable or deserving than those who aren’t. Being alone doesn’t mean you took a loss no more than being taken means you did something “right”. It either is or it ain’t — and that’s OK.
Love is something we all want. But love will not fix you.
Don’t believe the hype. You’re not incomplete nor unworthy. It’s just not your time yet, beloved. Simple as that.
Use this time alone to leverage yourself. Find out who you are without any “titles” or emotional attachments. Become so immersed in your own healing and elevation that your solitude becomes a sanctuary.
When you stop looking for someone to save you from yourself, being alone is no longer a threat.
So tell the skeptics to keep their well-meaning pity to themselves.
We good over here.
5. “Not All Men” & Co.
You’ve seen them around. Probably had a class with a few of them, been forced into an awkward convo at work, or politely declined their advances in public.
But you’re guaranteed to find them at any time of day in their natural habitat: Twitter — accosting the rest of us with their unsolicited relationship advice and “good men” propaganda.
Let’s review some “hall of famers”, shall we?:
“Not all men are trash”
“The men YOU choose”
“Maybe you could actually keep a man if you — ”
“You attract what you are”
“You’re too busy curving all the good men”
“That’s why you’re single”
WE GET IT.
Not all men are the same. Quality men DO exist (somewhere).
No one’s debating that.
However, the majority of these comments are used in retaliation for exposing the ugly truths about men (which varies based on experience). As the saying goes:
“A hit dog will holler.”
So when you attack women for calling men out for trash behavior, you’re essentially proving their point. Not to mention, you’re invalidating her right to voice her truth, simply because you find it inconvenient.
Dear men: Women were not put on this earth for your consumption. It’s not our “duty” to save you.
A “good woman” does not:
- “keep her mouth shut”
- “know her place” OR
- “ask for permission”
She is not your possession. She exists outside the confines of your approval.
Men, it’s time to grow up and take accountability.
So the next time you see your homeboy acting out, instead of breaking your neck to cape for him —
CALL HIM ON HIS BULLSHIT!!!
Because ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
Act right or get left.
Because the last thing I’m willing to do is sacrifice my solitude for a scrub.
Not in this economy.
This blog was previously posted on Medium.com by Ayana Faith
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