Anonymous Guest Blog
I’ll never understand for the life of me why god allowed me to fall in love with a woman. Not only have I never been interested in women, but I even grew up misunderstanding those who did. It was never something that even crossed my mind. Even having close friends who identified, I never found interest in them at all. But then I met my best friend. She remained that for over a year initially. I knew that I loved her as my friend, and I knew that I felt ‘differently’ for her, but never did “being in love with her” EVER cross my mind. I now know that, (although I thought I had), I had never been in love until now. Over the span of two years, I went from having a best friend who I loved and cared for like any other friend to having a woman that I am literally in love with. I’ve come to understand that it’s not a phase, and it won’t go away. Here are some observations/clarities I came upon being a ‘heterosexual’ woman in love with a ‘heterosexual’ woman. Take what you can use.
Love truly is its own, it knows no respect of persons.
I never understood when people would say “I can’t help who I love”. To me that made no sense, of course you can…you choose who you want to date and love. But man am I woke now! When I begin to find myself falling in love with her, there was no way I could stop it, primarily because I couldn’t even see it coming. I ignored her, prayed against this “demonic” spirit that I had been persuaded to believe was swallowing me, I resisted and refuted, but when it was all said and done—after the smoke cleared…I loved her, and I love her still. Love is truly an orphan of it self—only.
At some point “this is a woman” and “this is not right” isn’t nearly enough to keep you from falling.
As I begin to love her, and act on that love, the fact that she was a woman, and this was technically “wrong” became less and less noticeable. I hadn’t made the choice to not see it, neither had it become “normal” in my eyes, it just became harder for me to see her as anything other than a being who was extremely deserving of my love, and who deserved the permission to love me. Nothing was enough to stop me from relinquishing that love for her, no matter how bad I wanted something to save me.
Truly everything in your body obeys your heart
As I have navigated this situation, no voice has been clearer, louder, or stronger than the one of my heart. And most times I didn’t even want it to be. I wanted my brain, the rationale side of me, the one force that I could count on to think clearly …to save me, but it never did, and never has. The more I fell in love, and spent more time, the quieter everything that made sense became. My heart was the only voice I could hear. It would tell me to love her—and I would. To be jealous when I shouldn’t be—I would. To touch her or hold her—I would. No matter how much my body and brain rejected this strength—the heart always won!
Real love making is unbelievable
I honestly have no idea where to even begin with this one. I’ve never been an extremely sexually expressive person. In fact, just kissing someone can seem a little weird to me. But wow, are things different with her. The love we’ve made does not by definition even fit the description of sex. The sensation I feel in this space is tantamount to ANYTHING I’ve ever felt in my life. The kind of love where everything inside of you is reacting at once, and you completely have no control at that point, and neither does she. Literally love is taking over your entire body, and operating it for you, while you are in another mind zone. The most sensitive, interactive, intentional, focused encounter I’ve ever had in my life! And every time feels exactly that same way.
Jealousy is unbelievably real!
I consider myself a pretty jealous person. Typically, I don’t like to see my friends (or even family) hanging out or doing anything with anyone when I’m not around. But with her, the feeling is magnified by a million—literally. I became jealous of everything! I’ve been in relationships where I wanted to be with my significant other a lot, but always have been able to respect the need for space and to hang out with other people. But this right here takes the cake. Not only do I share my best friend, but I also share the love of my life—I didn’t have anyone else I wanted to be with, if it wasn’t her. And man did things get real often whenever that wasn’t the case.
Staying in can be more emotionally taxing than ‘being out’.
Honestly on so many occasions I considered telling people about us. Which is extremely scary for obvious reasons, but I believe to this day it would have been much easier than keeping it all between us two. If it wasn’t for the fact that I still wasn’t sure, and didn’t want to make a public statement on impulse, I surely would have. Staying in meant a lot of pent up anxiety for us, a lot of things we had to “deal with” on our own, a lot of emotions we had to suppress. We spent more time discussing how difficult it was to keep everything in, and how much we wanted to be able to show the world that we loved each other, how we wanted to make a mark so guys would know to stay away that we exhausted ourselves. We spent so much time hiding “us” that at some point it became hard to appreciate it. We were forced to treat it as wrong, to cover it up—this took a big strain!
I now understand what it means to have a partner
With her, everything exists as a unit. If one was suffering, we literally suffered together. When we were feeling happy, we almost always felt that together. If there was ever a problem, we discussed and dissected it together. When it came down to reciprocity and love making we did that together! Everything thing we encountered, we encountered—together. For the first time in my life, I had truly established a partnership.
If there was ever anything to feel—I felt it. All of it. Everything. I literally felt everything!
What’s understood doesn’t even need an explanation.
I still identify as a heterosexual woman, but I would be doing myself (and so many others) a disservice if I didn’t share this experience, and the lessons I learned. Sometimes we need to see that is okay to feel the “uncommon”, the “unthinkable”, the “abnormal”. Sometimes it’s okay to go against the grain.