Guest Blog by Writeous7
I’ve been cheated on. More than once and more than twice, actually. I’m not sure that I’ve ever come across someone who hasn’t. As a matter of fact, I’m sure that I’ve been cheated on with somebody who will be reading this blog entry. (Hey, girl.)
I remember reading something that says “Until you’re legally someone’s husband or wife, you are single.” Yeah, yeah, yeah- I get the concept of that, but lets be honest. Those aren’t the terms that we operate off of when we’re someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend. I’ve never quite understood the concept of cheating. Why involve yourself in a relationship where you’re expected to be exclusive when you know that that’s something you don’t desire to do? Why not just stay single and rightfully do what you want, with whoever you want, when you feel like doing it?
Twice, I’ve been in what was supposed to be serious relationships where I was constantly lied to and cheated on. Both of which lasted way longer than they needed to and had me operating in ways that were not in my character. They brought out the worst in me. And the aftermath of both of these wastes of times has allowed me to recognize that I should have ended them the first time I caught them cheating.
Being cheated on was extremely damaging. That’s because from that point forward I believed nothing and questioned everything. There was constant wondering, going through phones, checking DMs, trying to put two and two together and threatening side chicks. While he was busy creeping, I was busy lurking. I was doing whatever I could to find out the truth, since directly asking what was going on would only be answered with a bunch of quick-witted lies. It was all extremely exhausting. It took me getting out of them and moving on for me to realize that I wasn’t truly happy in either one of those relationships.
The healing process was nowhere near easy. A lot of times I would blame myself for my anguish. I would put myself at fault for being so genuine and loving. I figured that I wouldn’t be suffering this much had I not invested so much love and loyalty. Had I not been deeply sincere and completely genuine, I wouldn’t be struggling to reverse the amount of care and feelings that I’d dumped into one undeserving person. All of which are amazing traits to have as someone’s lover, but they can seemingly work against you when being given to someone who takes advantage of how much you care and the value you place on the relationship.
Keep in mind how loving and committed I described myself as. Also, remember that I told you that I’m an investor. This makes moving on more difficult and drawn out. Just as I recognize those qualities in myself, my exes picked up on them as well. My soft spots and vulnerabilities were used against me to draw me back into toxic relationships. What better way to make a hopeless romantic reconsider leaving you than to cry and beg for her to stay? It would only make sense to make on the spot promises to do things that should have been being done from the very beginning. I had to have been dating Idris Elba, because after those emotional reconciliations that he’d garnish with tears, reddened eyes and a snotty nose, he’d turned around and redo the very thing that I had broken up with him for previously.
The other ex, he was another story. A less sensitive one. Have you ever had someone get mad at you for finding out that they were being unfaithful? Real life pissed off, too! Upset with you for lurking or going through their phone when they’ve been nothing but untrustworthy and have given you reason to. They’re mad because they’re caught. They’re mad because you’ve held them up from doing what they wanted to do and now they have to come up with another sneaky way to cheat. Somehow, almost magically, he’d transfer the guilt away from himself and onto me. The only thing I was guilty of was falling for it and idiotically sticking around.
Throughout the course of those two relationships I lost years of my time. I’ve cried enough tears to alleviate a drought. I’ve been subjected to enough embarrassment to put 100 men to shame. I could put together a book full of lies. I’ve experienced enough hurt to fuel a deadly storm. Yet, here I am now using my time wisely with a face unstained by the tears, unashamed and up on game because there isn’t a lie that I haven’t already been told.
Being cheated on taught me some valuable lessons about relationships and about myself. I learned that I was settling. I was settling for little boys who didn’t have the ability or capacity to operate in a committed relationship. They were undeserving of me and all that I had to offer. I was blindly casting my pearls amongst swine.
I also learned that I was settling by accepting mistreatment. At that time I didn’t view it as mistreatment. I allowed my mind to mask it as having a forgiving heart. What I was really doing by giving chance after undeserving chance was allowing myself to be run over and shitted on. I didn’t deserve that and from what I had done and invested in these relationships, I had earned way more than what I was actually being given.
Being cheated on taught me that I don’t ask for much. Someone one who fails at giving me all that I want is someone that I need to stay away from. I learned to stand firm in what I require and deserve and to never make an exception for anyone. I learned to never love another more than I love myself. Failing to follow through with these lessons will only cause me to short change myself in the end.
Being cheated on revealed to me my weaknesses and vulnerabilities. I know each and every route to my forgiveness. Knowing these passages through my typically stern exterior allows me to recognize when someone is attempting to take advantage of me.
Despite all of the scorning experiences that still linger within my memory, I still have the ability and the desire to love genuinely. I’ve taken what I’ve been given and taught myself how to develop a strong foundation for a healthy relationship. I didn’t allow the cheating and the heartbreaks to deter my love-driven nature. I’ve used them to make a better lover of myself.