Guest Blog by Debrae
Solitude : The state or situation of being alone.
Hey everyone , I hope you all enjoyed a lovely Easter and are well relaxed. Recently I have been doing a lot of thinking , and this week as I was looking into the mirror, doing my make- up, a thought popped into my head about being single and what it took to be in a fully committed relationship. These days to be single means to be lonely , to be single means to be unlucky in love , to be single means you’re not attractive enough. Right? In other words , singleness is not a desired state nowadays and relationships are being used as band-aids to appease feelings of low self worth , to give people a sense of security in themselves.
I, myself have now been single for three years. The situations I have been in during that time, are not what I would call a relationship. To some people, that will sound very shocking and when I tell people this, I would often be met with questions such as “why?”or “what are you waiting for?”. I was even hesitant to reveal this at a point in time and if I’m honest, felt almost embarrassed. I saw being single as a reflection of my self worth and thought if I was single, it was a sign that I was unlovable or maybe not attractive enough. Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? But after talking with some wise counsel and listening to specific advice, I began to change the way I was thinking. Don’t get me wrong, there are times where I would like the company of a ‘boo’ , (Yes I have male friends, but girls come on, you know when you just want to be around that one special person), there are times when I want to be ‘drunk in love’ lol! and there are times I want to experience that giddy feeling again, but today as I stand, I am learning to overcome these fleeting feelings (although there is nothing wrong with having them) and am beginning to embrace being single and all that it has to offer. When God decides to bring someone into my life , I want to be able to receive them after ‘waiting’ graciously. I will explain this further by referring to a famous saying : “Patience is not the ability to wait but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.” So what I mean by this , is that whilst I am single I want to maintain a positive attitude, I do not want to have a resentful or complaining attitude which is easy to develop as you wonder why you are still by yourself.
But heres the catch. You may feel alone. You may be literally alone. But there is so much room for growth. There is so much room for self development. Here are some pointers to consider before getting into a serious relationship. I encourage you all to bask in your singleness.
1. BE READY
While you are single, allow yourself to heal from past heart ache. It is so unhealthy to carry previous baggage into a new relationship, making your new partner pay for the hurt that another person caused you. Whether its journalling, counselling or prayer that brings you to a place of wholeness , do it. The worst thing you can do is hope for a new relationship to bandage the wounds , life has given you. A person , another human being, is not the cure for your depression. If you are depressed before a relationship, contrary to what you may believe, being in this relationship will not take the feelings of depression away. Even if that is the case, what happens when this relationship breaks down? No doubt am I saying that someone can come into your life for the better and change things for you, but don’t be reliant on this person to piece you together.
2. DON’T SETTLE
This is one I have had to learn from first hand experience. Don’t settle for someone because you think this is the best you will stumble across. I have truly had some bad experiences with certain
men boys , and settled for rubbish. Some situations, I let myself become tangled in. Don’t settle, just because you want to be in a relationship. Don’t be in such a rush to find ‘love’ that you associate it with any guy that shows you some sort of interest. Don’t settle as being a booty call for some guys. Don’t settle as being an option. There are men out there that will treat you as you deserve, that will listen to and uphold your morals, that will appreciate and be thankful for you. The biggest lie, girls tell themselves is that men , like the one described above do not exist. They do. What makes you think you can’t be a recipient of this type of love?
3. PRACTICE SELF LOVE.
Linking to point no. 2, love yourself so you know what to tolerate. Be compassionate to yourself. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and encourage yourself to make better choices. Embrace the things that are not so perfect about you. You wouldn’t want to hurt someone you love, right? You wouldn’t want to constantly criticise someone you love, right? You want the person you love to feel that they are loved, know that they are appreciated, you want them to know you think the world of them, you want them to see their value. Why should the way you see yourself be any different? When you begin to understand the love God has for you , the way He sees you, the way He loves you, the standard of love he sets towards you, you will begin to see your self in such a way that you won’t tolerate less than what you deserve.
4. KNOW WHO YOU ARE
Get to know yourself. Learn your passions, and goals. Discover your purpose and what you are put on this earth for. Get to know yourself without always being tied to someone else, without always having to be in a relationship. Take the time to figure out what you enjoy, what excites you. Do more of these things. Build your brand, work on your craft. Ive talked about ‘seasons’ in previous blog posts and there is a season to be alone so God can exert everything He planned for your life, so you can achieve all you need to without any distractions.
5. BUILD YOUR FUTURE
Work towards creating the BEST future for yourself as you embark on the journey of self development, growth and discovery. As you work on yourself, you will be so occupied with perfecting who you are becoming, that you won’t even notice when that special person has found their way in to your life.
From me to you…
Caring for another person means nothing if you can’t care wholeheartedly for yourself. Embrace this time as a single person and see it as an opportunity to explore different aspects of yourself.
-I will leave you guys one of my favourite pieces of spoken word by Reyna Biddy , who delivers a ‘message to women’ that advises them not to settle for half hearted love. So until you find a partner worthy to be called just that, bask in your singleness.
Love & Light.
Signed Debrae x