Guest Blog by Kenya Jael
I think it is safe to say that as women we have all fell victim to that one guy that we are head over heels for. You know, the one that no one can tell us anything about. He can do no wrong. We love him to the moon and back. We will Monica, cross the ocean for him. Life and love wouldn’t be what it was if we didn’t have that experience, with… Mr. Wrong. That is exactly what he is, WRONG. Mr. Wrong gives RED FLAGS but we tend to ignore those red flags being young and in love.
I encountered Mr. Wrong in my senior year in high school when I was introduced to this guy, (let’s call him Brian), through a mutual friend. Brian’s pretty light brown eyes, swag and maturity captured my attention immediately. Brian made me feel cool because every high school girl wanted to date a “grown man” and I was dating one. I was the high school girl dating someone who was in his ‘20s. There was a connection between us like no other. At the time, I can’t remember him having too much going on other than his looks and his party lifestyle, which I was attracted to.
I graduated high school and went away to Spelman College for the summer just to get ahead on classes for the fall. My friend called me and told me that Brian was cheating on me. I was heartbroken. I questioned him about it and he admitted that he did cheat but made a mistake and was sorry. The blame was put on me because I was away putting my education first. I forgave him and believed that he would never cheat on me again because he was honest and said he loved me. Subconsciously, I accepted the blame for his cheating. I decided to attend a University not too far from where we lived reasoning with myself, ‘If I am close to him he won’t cheat on me and I can come home to see him more often”.
Three years later, I find myself in the same situation, only with multiple cheating escapades. He sold me dreams, and I bought every single one. I called myself being a ride or die! Or even worse, I convinced myself, “I’m the main chick, the rest of these girls are sideline hoes” and the promise ring he gave me convinced me more that he loved me more than the other girls. All of my friends and family told me over and over that someone who loves you will not hurt you.
It wasn’t until the ultimate betrayal, that I realized there was no love left in my relationship with Brian. I knew that when he cheated on me with someone I considered a friend, I could no longer be that ‘ride or die’ or ‘main chick’ anymore. The hurt of this betrayal went beyond heartbreak. This betrayal I felt from my once friend and longtime boyfriend hurt my soul. I fell into a deep depression for at least 6 months: I did not eat. I did not sleep. I literally went to class every day, came home, and laid in my bed looking at the ceiling, wondering why? Why me? Why would he do this? Why would she do this? I would prefer to die than live with this hurt and misery. During this time, I lost at least 15 pounds and would feel sick to my stomach any time anyone would mention either of their names. After a few months, my hurt turned to anger and hate. Then I was ready to fight, to fight her for betraying me more than he did. Or that’s what I had convinced myself.
All of sudden I had an epiphany, I CHOSE to ignore all the signs of Brian’s lies and deceit. He showed me all the red flags in the beginning but I wanted to believe his lies. I needed to be mad at HIM and be disappointed in MYSELF. If it was love, I never want to love like that again. At that moment, I knew I had to let this go and move forward if I wanted happiness again. I had to check myself into HEARTBREAK REHAB. It was a long journey back to happiness and finding myself again, but I made it. I could no longer accept his calls; I had to let go of the fantasy that we would ever get back together. I had to mentally accept that I could not change what had happened, no matter how hard I prayed that it was all just a dream. I had to block him out of my mind and out of my life. I stopped hanging at places where I knew he would be. I had to fall back from our circle of mutual friends. I had to lean on my family and true friends. This was the hardest thing I ever had to do in life. Jay Z said, “It’s like having your life restarted”.
Years later, I made it back to my happy place with Lessons Learned:
- When someone shows you who they are, believe them. 2. You cannot change anyone, only time and God can do that. 3. Never love someone more than you love yourself. 4. When you see RED FLAGS in the beginning, do not ignore them. Last but not least, the ONE and only thing that will help you get over your Ex and the breakup, is TIME. There is no truer statement than, Time Heals All Wounds. In my Alicia Keys voice, “Yes I was burned, but I call it a lesson learned”.
Kenya Jael XO.